Bibi and Me at the Peace Talks

by Jerrold L. Sobel

It’s so nice of the State Department to send Imam Abdul Rauf, the “Ground Zero Imam” on a taxpayer paid goodwill tour through the Middle East. No doubt it’s money well spent. Speaking in the capital of that country, Manama, Rauf loudly proclaimed that he’s out to “Americanize Islam,” What he exactly meant by this wasn’t clarified. Some skeptics might say he was momentarily confused and meant to say his goal was to “Islamize America.” While fund raising for the Ground Zero Mosque; oops did I say that? I meant while he was spreading goodwill, the Imam’s wife, Daisy Kahn, weighed in on the Mosque issue with the following statement: “Dropping the Plan is definitely not an option at all.” She went on to say, that organizers were in consultation with leaders of the American Muslim community and they will ultimately do what’s best for the “larger good of the larger Muslim community.” That’s a pretty telling statement.

Personally, I have no problem with it. The woman is being honest, she’s admitting the Mosque issue is not local and will be resolved in conjunction with the wishes of the greater American Islamic community. Fair and well but I demand reciprocity from The State Department. I wish to represent American Jewry at the Upcoming direct peace talks coming up next month in either Egypt or Washington. Unlike the $64,000 dollars the Imam has cost the American people now on his fourth “goodwill tour” since 2007, I would pay my own way. If such a fantasy was indeed possible, this would be my scenario:

Once there, as representatives of world Jewry, Bibi and me would first schmooze with our adversaries, PLO President, Abbas; the Quartet; comprised of the United States; represented by Secretary of State Clinton, Special Envoy, George Mitchell, and an expected cameo from President Obama; Russia; the E.U; the U.N; President Mubarak of Egypt and King Abdullah III of Jordan. After an exchange of guarded “how are you’s” Prime Minister Netanyahu opened up the meeting by asking President Abbas the following question:

“It is my understanding that the goal of these meetings is the establishment of a Palestinian State in Judea and Samaria with a contiguous connection to Gaza which would also be part of this new nation. Unfortunately, I don’t see delegations from Hamas, Islamic Jihad, People for the Liberation of Palestine and all the other terrorist groups sworn to our destruction and adamantly opposed to these talks. Your excellency, other than the PLO, whom do you represent?

He responds, “Fatah is the “officially” recognized government of the Palestinian people and as an original partner to Yasser Arafat, I am his heir apparent.” I am the spokesman for all the Palestinian people.”

At this point Netanyahu casts a friendly stare at Mrs. Clinton, compliments her blue jump suit, and replies to the Palestinian: “Mr. Abbas, this truly is ludicrous, what are we doing here? If right at this moment we conceded every point you wish to make, you would get a solid piece of our ancient homeland; tangible land and we wouldn’t receive anything in return. You represent a defeated Palestinian faction and haven’t the power to control issues of war and peace as long as Hamas remains ensconced in Gaza and the other terrorists continue their recalcitrance. I still need to know, what do we get out of these talks with you?”

Flushed with anger over these questions, veins popping out of his neck, Abbas starts making a dash for the door, screaming, “What do you get out of this? What do you get out of this? You get our good will, that’s what you get out of this and best wishes from the Saudis as well.” Practically tackling him before he gets to the door, George Mitchell convinces the old terrorist to sit back down.

“Gentlemen, Gentlemen, please lets everyone try to stay calm and not anger each other,” Mrs. Clinton cajoles. “Mr. Netanyahu, for the good of peace, why don’t we just pretend that Mr. Abbas can deliver peace to Israel in exchange for Judea and Samaria….Oh oh, excuse me, I meant to say the West Bank.” “Mr. Abbas, do you have a statement or a question for the Prime Minister?”

“I certainly do. You stole our land and we demand you give it back and return to the recognized armistice lines of 1948. We insist upon complete sovereignty over Jerusalem which you reconquered in 1967; oh another Freudian slip, I meant conquered. We also demand you allow all Palestinian refugees now living anywhere in the world and their progeny the right of return to their former homes within Israel.This of course must include proper re-compensation. In return, I Mahmoud Abbas pledge to Israel: If Fatah ever holds elections again in the West Bank and I’m elected, you will have peace. I can’t speak for the others but in front of the Americans I swear on Arafat’s grave the days of throwing old men in wheel chairs off of cruise ships, massacring athletes at sporting events, and blowing up restaurants will be no more. If you compromise, and give us all we wish, you have a partner in Fatah. On top of this, there is one more concession which I saved for last. If you accede to these non-negotiable demands, the Central Committee has authorized me to say: Sometime in the future we will consider recognizing Israel.” Bibi jumps in, “As a Jewish State?” Abbas snaps back, “Don’t push it.”

“Well, well, well” Secretary Clinton squeals with joy, “I think we’re getting somewhere here. You have to admit Mr. Netanyahu, for the good of peace and to get it done in the one year period President Obama has allotted, it seems like a pretty good offer to me. Should I alert the others of your compliance?”

Picking himself up from the floor, the Prime Minister replies. “I appreciate the exuberance of the Secretary of State and the kind offer of no longer murdering innocent people by his excellency, but there are a few points I wish to make:”

“At the conclusion of our war for independence in 1949, the invading Arab nations then as now refused to recognize Israel as a Jewish State but instead agreed upon a ceasefire. At the conclusion of hostilities, interim boarders were established based upon the outcome of battles in today what’s known as the “Green Line. The key word being interim. Which means with the exception of Jerusalem all final international borsders are open to discussion. He then continued:

“Since the Jordanian military occupied Judea and Samaria when the ceasefire took hold, much to our detriment and pain, the Israel-Jordan Armistice Agreement signed on April 3, 1949 was abrogated by the Jordanians from the outset. Hopes that Jews might visit their most Holy sites such as the Western Wall or the Tomb of the Patriarchs in that and the following years were immediately dashed. Not only were Jews denied access to East Jerusalem, thousands of them were uprooted from homes belonging to their families over millennia. Ancient synagogues, some 1500 years and older were destroyed. From the ashes of our revered Huva Synagogue. Latrines were built and roads were paved from tombstones taken from desecrated cemeteries where our ancestors have been interred for centuries. This grievous situation existed for 19 years and would most likely have continued until today if King Hussein, would have heeded our pleas and not attacked Israel in 1967. Today Jerusalem, the everlasting capitol of the Jewish people is once again under our sovereignty. Free in its splendor for all religions to worship or not worship as they will. Mr. President, Madam Secretary, Jerusalem is not mine or any Israeli government to bargain with. It belongs to the Jewish people in perpetuity.”

At this point, all hell breaks loose, everyone is yelling and screaming. Abbas is aiming a shoe straight at Bibi’s head; With anger usually reserved only for Bill, Hillary screams out at Netanyahu: “Didn’t I warn you to stop making waves during that 45 minute tongue lashing I gave you on the phone last March? This man just made you a wonderful offer and what do you do? You insult him with trivialities. Look at the bigger picture already and for the sake of peace, just give em Jerusalem already!”

Just as things start really getting hot, who walks in but the Nobel Prize winner himself.

A round of “Mr. President, Mr. President” rings out around the room. As if having heard the commotion before entering. Obama asks Hillary, “what’s going on?” To which she replies, “Bibi’s just being his usual brutish, unbending self, always placing the fate of Jerusalem above your desire for peace and within the deadline you set Mr. President.” With that toothy smile that gets Nancy Pelosi jumping up and down, Obama laughingly says: “Oh you two, can’t you ever stop fighting?” Bibi replies: “I don’t know what’s got into her, I complimented her blue jump suit but I think at heart, she’s a Jew hater.” Irate, Hillary retorts: “My son-in-law is a Jew, thank you.” “A mazel uff em” Bibi retorts in Yiddish. Cursing in Arabic, Abbas had already stormed out of the room moments earlier.

At which point the Anointed One addressing the only two people left in the room; Bibi and me, proclaimed the day a huge success and hoped we can make as much progress tomorrow when we discuss the “right of return.”