The writer is a board-certified psychiatrist practicing in Boston, Massachusetts,…
So in spite of the fact that as a clinical psychiatrist I am a professional in controlling my emotions, I was ready to scream when a male colleague recently told me, “I like how Orthodox Jews value their family but I think it’s strange how Orthodox women are treated as second-class citizens.” Rather than launching into a criticism of American society’s treatment of women—whether the overt objectification of women in Hollywood or the institutionalized discrimination against women in the workforce—I chose to highlight the beautiful way that our tradition has chosen to praise its women.
I told him that every Friday night, all Jewish households begin their Sabbath meal by singing a song called Aishet Chayil—The Woman of Valor—from the Book of Proverbs (31:10-31). Our Rabbis teach that this was written by King Solomon in praise of his mother Bathsheba and by Abraham our forefather in praise of his wife Sarah. Therefore every Jewish boy and every Jewish husband starts the Sabbath by thanking their own personal Woman of Valor, “There are many virtuous and capable women in the World but you surpass them all!” I’ve met many women—from newly-married wives to seasoned great-great-grandmothers—who have told me that there is no greater gift than to hear their family sing this song.
Remember, these mothers and grandmothers aren’t just housewives who change diapers and cook dinner. My neighbor drives carpool back-and-forth to school because his wife is an actuary and the family’s breadwinner. My dear friend’s wife is a physician-researcher at Harvard Medical School in the midst of completing her third fellowship in Cardiac Epidemiology but still makes time for playing Legos with her boys every day. My Rabbi’s elderly mother only just retired from her position as a nursing home administrator at the ripe age of 85. And should these women have chosen to be housewives then what would be wrong with changing diapers and cooking dinner? There are plenty of women from all other races and creeds who have happily done the same as well…
Before a Jewish man gets married, his Rabbi will teach him the laws of properly treating one’s wife. This includes treating her with respect and dignity no matter the situation (certainly atrocities like domestic abuse and infidelity are severe religious transgressions that result in excommunication from the community in addition to legal consequences).
But the responsibility to make one’s wife happy is also discussed during these sessions as it is also a fundamental part of Jewish law (see for example Code of Jewish Law—Orach Hayim 529:2). Is there another tradition in the World that requires husbands to buy their wife nice new clothing and jewelry before the holidays just to make her smile?
Obscene gender inequality is the norm today in Saudi Arabia where women are not allowed to drive. Nearly 1,000 Pakistani women are tragically murdered on an annual basis by family members as part of the “honor killing” epidemic. Here in America, The National Football League is rocked by regular domestic violence and sexual assault scandals perpetrated by its biggest stars. But the point my oblivious colleague needed to hear wasn’t what’s wrong with everyone else but what’s right with Judaism, so I told him the following:
Everyone is entitled to live the life they choose and coercion is not a part of Judaism. Just as no Jewish man is forced to wear a kippah, no Jewish woman is forced into being a subservient diaper-changing-baby-machine. The fact that Orthodox Judaism continues to grow and that thousands of unobservant woman return to their Jewish roots each year suggests that there is something very special to being a Woman of Valor. With this in mind, I urged my colleague to sing a nice song for his wife that night at dinner to see if it brought him some peace at home…
This is in honor of my own Woman of Valor—Tovah bat Sarah—and my wonderful mom Leah bat Malkah.
Jacob L. Freedman, MD, is a board-certified psychiatrist practicing in Boston, Massachusetts, and a former student of Yeshiva Aish HaTorah in Jerusalem. In addition to his work as a clinical psychiatrist, Dr. Freedman has worked as a healthcare and a risk-management consultant. He can be most easily reached at: JacobLFreedman@gmail.com.
>> I have accomplished as an individual
It’s irrelevant what you have accomplished. If you live voluntarily in a situation where you are not *allowed* to do the same things as a man you are discriminated against, and the people who decide what you can and can not do are your oppressors. BY DEFINITION! Why is this so hard for you to understand? It’s the very definition of oppression.
>> there is hypocrisy and discrimination amongst women
>> in the Orthodox
So now you agree with me. So, why are you arguing? BTW, it’s not hypocrisy if it’s systematic (by some sort of law or rule agreed to by the participants in said community), then it is oppression. Please note that I already covered other denominations/religions when I pointed out that this also goes for the Catholic Church as long as a woman is not allowed to become the Pope.
>> There needs to be a different motive.
So, if an orthodox woman *wants* to become a rabbi, why should she change her motivation?
>> You are ASSuming I am a doormat
No, I am not. I am only assuming you are living as an orthodox Jew and you are abiding by the rules that comes with that. Those rules are, by definition, discriminating against you and oppressive to your personal freedom. By definition. Whether you *want* to do things that women are not allowed to do is in that case irrelevant. When Rosa Parks sat in her seat on the bus it may very well be that she’d find the seats reserved for African Americans more comfortable, but she chose to do something she was not *allowed* to do. Would you do something that your denomination disallowed for women? If not, why? Please don’t tell me that you, or other women, would not ever be motivated to do something like that.
Some things never change eh Ted? Have you read terjebers comment to me and I am the one who has been put on moderation????
@ terjeber:
LOL. You obviously do not understand. If you had any idea who you were talking to and what I have accomplished as an individual you may say something like – there is an exception to every rule.
One example – A fine retired politician here said that the reason there aren’t many women in politics is because men generally speaking do not fair as well as women on the homefront and have a much more difficult time coping with her absense.
Read between the lines on that. I never said that women CANNOT do such and such. I agree there is hypocrisy and discrimination amongst women in the Orthodox as there is among all the other denominations as well as other religions. It is a social issue. Having said that I think it is counterproductive for women to do something just because man says they can’t. There needs to be a different motive.
You know nothing about me and what I do on a daily basis. That comment is patronizing and derogatory and demonstrates you have no respect for me as a woman. You are ASSuming I am a doormat and therefore think you can talk to be in that matter – which is just another reason why I prefer the Orthodox. They wouldn’t dare talk to me like that!!
@dove
>> One of the manipulations of feminism is convincing women
>> they can have it all and do it all
No, it isn’t, but it is often claimed that it is by the ones who hates freedom for women. The tenet of “feminism” is that women should have the same freedom as men, have the right to make the same choices. You say they should not. That’s called Stockholm Syndrome. I recommend you try to get out. See a professional. Seriously. Someone with experience working with getting oppressed people out of dangerous sects.
@Dove
>> That is extreme!
No, it is not. It is a definition. The difference is in degree, not in principle. Seung-Hui Cho killed 32 people at Virginia Tech. He’s a mass murderer. Carl Robert Brown killed 8 people. He’s also a mass murderer. Is there a difference in principle between the two? No. There is a degree in degree.
The difference between being “a little bit” subjugated and “quite a bit” subjugated is in degree, not in principle. You are happy to be subjugated, good for you. The difference between you and a Saudi woman is in DEGREE.
>> I could say that you cannot do because you are a ‘man’
As far as I know there is *nothing* I can’t do that a woman can, by decree. In other words, I can obviously not have children, but that’s not because I am not *allowed* to. We’re not talking about what is and is not possible for a man/woman to do, but about what you, irrespective of your ability, is *allowed* to do. If someone tells you you are not *allowed* to do something because you are a woman, an African American or whatever, then you are discriminated against and the victim of subjugation. A person who oppresses another person doesn’t, by definition, respect the other person. So, if there are things orthodoxy will not *allow* women to do, there is no possible way an orthodox man can respect a woman. BY DEFINITION!
>> we agree to disagree
Nope, I am right, again, by definition of the term, and you are wrong. It’s actually that simple. We can not agree or disagree as to whether up is up or up is down. There is a definition of up and there is a definition of down. You are not free. You are enslaved. BY DEFINITION.
@ terjeber:
One of the manipulations of feminism is convincing women they can have it all and do it all. A culture of super women – who have careers – raise children – who can do it all. BULLSHIT! Something does and will suffer – usually on the homefront.
@ terjeber:
You are full of crap! Don’t compare what I am saying to Saudi women who want to wear a hijab and not drive. That is extreme!!
There are many things that I could say that you cannot do because you are a ‘man’ and you have not been blessed with the same attributes as women – but I don’t. I let you figure that our for yourself!!
Likewise….there are many things that I don’t agree with – the difference being…in the Modern Orthodox – at least where I go – we agree to disagree.
@Dove
>> I would prefer to look at it from the ‘equal value’
Sorry to be blunt, but you are wrong. The EXACT argument you are using in your posting is used by women of Saudi Arabia. Equality is easy to measure. If YOU decide that YOU want to do something, and SOMEONE ELSE says “No, you can’t, you’re a woman”, then you do not have equal rights. You are BY DEFINITION, subjugated and subservient to a man. The difference between you and a woman in Hijab who is not allowed to drive a car is in degrees, not in principle.
Sorry, living according to those principles makes you an oppressed person, no matter how you feel about it. By definition. I know of Muslim women who want to wear a hijab. They do not want to be allowed the opportunity to drive a car. They do not *feel* oppressed or subjugated, but they are. By definition. So are you.
>> I am a strong independent thinking woman
Your response to me says the exact opposite. Again, there are basic standards on how to define this, what you *feel* about it is quite irrelevant. Psychologically it is called “The Stockholm Syndrome”. Where the oppressed not only accepts, but embraces their captor and the situation.
@ terjeber:
As a woman I am going to try to respond to your question. I am a strong independent thinking woman – often accused of being a feminist. Sad that only feminists seem to be viewed as independent thinkers.
I would prefer to look at it from the ‘equal value’ perspective which of coarse we have in Hashems eyes and in the eyes of Jewish law. As men and women we have different roles – each are equally important.
I tried this ‘same rights’ angle through the Reform and found the expectations were too high. Too many men were more than happy to dump their responsibilities onto me – so I now had the role of both man and woman. Tending to children, tending to food prep and clean up, being part of a minyan for prayer and services. It was over the top.
I am now with the Orthodox which frees me up to fine tune my areas of expertise. I do attend a weekly Torah study as the role of women is equally vital – ie Ruth, Sarah, Miriam to name a few. I am very happy to turn the reins of the minyan back over to man.
I don’t feel the least bit slighted and realize my role is of equal importance. I understand the separation of men and women in the shul. We are there as individuals – not couples – seeking Hashem. Men can be a distraction.
There are different shades or Orthodoxy. I am a member of the Modern Orthodox. Let’s not confuse them with the Ultra.
Hi Terjeber
You forgot one very important subjugating fact re women. The Get.
No Get, no divorce, no life after bad bad marriage.
I know there is a chance you might delete this response, but discussions like these, to me, are about principles, not about degrees of “nice”. “Respecting” women is a repulsive idea. Either women are our equals in rights, or we are principled no different from the Wahhabis in Riyadh. So, when the Papal church in Rome says women can’t become leaders of the church, on principle, the papal church is not different from the intolerant Islamic clerics other than in degree. Some times degree can matter, but generally it doesn’t.
So, do women have ALL the rights of men? Can they become Orthodox Rabbis? Answer that question (and every single other equality question) in the positive, and you “respect” your women. Answer it in the negative and you differ from the conservative Wahabbis only in degree when it comes to your “respecting” women.
Remember, everybody who subjugates women do so in the sincere belief that they are acting in the best interest of women. They NEVER do. Are women *required* to cover their hair? Are men? OK, a difference, so no respect. Is it illegal for a women to walk bare-chested? Is it for men? OK, there is a difference and there is subjugation.
The most disgusting attitude about women in the world is the paternalistic “for your own good”.
Oh, and I am a man, and I am not afraid of women having exactly the same *rights* as I have. Sadly most men are so pathetically afraid of women that they will not grant them 100% equal rights.
Dr. Jacob, you are right-on! We must never take our wife for granted. Without her, there is no family.